Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==P==
'''Pacifist:''' ''n.'' one who does not kill his enemies, but reads their obituaries with great pleasure.<ref>Adapted from Clarence Darrow</ref>

'''Pain:''' ''n.'' an uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Panic room:''' ''n.'' a secure room within a building , designed as a refuge from threats such as severe weather, nuclear attack or disgruntled employees.<ref>''Chamber's Dictionary'', 2008 Edition</ref>

'''Passport:''' ''n.'' a document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Paradigm shift:''' ''n.'' the moment when a sufficiently large group of people wakes up to an existing reality.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Paradox:''' ''n.'' 1. a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality 'ought to be.'<ref>Richard Feynman</ref>

'''Paradox:'''  ''n.'' 2. a paradox is nothing else than grandiose thoughts in embryo.<ref>Søren Kierkegaard</ref>

'''Parallel:''' ''adj.'' (''computing term'') being or pertaining to everything going wrong at once.<ref>Isham research</ref> 

'''Paranoia:''' ''n.'' 1. the pathological belief that one is important enough to be the object of a conspiracy.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Paranoia:''' ''n.'' 2. the unreasonable belief that others actually have the time, vast sums of money, and telepathic powers to so perfectly tweak all one's pet annoyances.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Patience:''' ''n.'' a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Patriot:''' ''n.'' 1. is one who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

'''Patriot:''' ''n.'' 2. one who is ready to defend his country against his government.<ref>Edward Abbey</ref>

'''Patriot:''' ''n.'' 3. one to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Patriotism:''' ''n.'' 1. is the virtue of the vicious.<ref>Oscar Wilde.</ref>

'''Patriotism:''' ''n.'' 2. is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it. <ref>George Bernard Shaw, ''The World'' (1893)</ref>

'''Patriotism:''' ''n.'' 3. is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.<ref>Bertrand Russell</ref>

'''Patriotism:''' ''n.'' 4. is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.<ref>George Jean Nathan</ref>

'''Patriotism:''' ''n.'' 5. is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.<ref>Mark Twain</ref>

'''Patriotism:''' ''n.'' 6. a dreadful indignity whereby a soul is controlled by geography.<ref>Adapted from George Santaya</ref>

'''Peace:''' ''n.'' 1. in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Peace:''' ''n.'' 2. is that which cannot be learned by killing each other's children.<ref>Adapted from Jimmy Carter</ref>

'''Perfection:''' ''n.'' that which is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.<ref>Antoine de Saint-Exupéry</ref>

'''Perfume:''' ''n.'' a pungent liquid manufactured by the megalitre for the female population, serving to reinforce the suspicion that the dividing line between the fragrance of heavenly nectar and lavatory freshener is a narrow one.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Permanence:''' ''n.'' impermanent impermanence.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Perplexity:''' ''n.'' is the beginning of knowledge.<ref>Khalil Gibran</ref>

'''Personal floatation device:''' ''n.'' an air filled jacket that saves your life should an aircraft land in water. Demonstrated with great zeal by the crew at the beginning of every flight, even if the flight path is over land only.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Personality disorder:''' ''n.'' 1. eccentricity with true commitment.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Personality disorder:''' ''n.'' 2. a guarantee against boredom.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Pessimist:''' ''n.'' 1. someone who’s never happy unless he’s miserable.

'''Pessimist:''' ''n.'' 2. someone who wears suspenders as well as a belt.

'''Pessimist:''' ''n.'' 3. one who would complain about the noise if opportunity knocked.

'''Pessimist:''' ''n.'' 4. a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.<ref>George Bernard Shaw</ref>

'''Pessimist:''' ''n.'' 5. someone who had to live with an optimist.

'''Philanthropist:''' ''n.'' 1. one who selflessly funds vast sums of money to a charitable cause, without drawing attention to himself, but who fails sufficiently to then be recognized as a philanthropist and who then graciously accepts all the tax breaks with absolutely no fanfare at all.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Philanthropist:''' ''n.'' 2. one who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.<ref>Adapted from, Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>
 
'''Philosopher:''' ''n.'' 1. a fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

'''Philosopher:''' ''n.'' 2. an adult who insists on asking childish questions.

'''Philosophy:''' ''n.'' 1. a route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Philosophy:''' ''n.'' 2. is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. 

'''Photograph:''' ''n.'' a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Physicians:''' ''n.'' are those that think they do a lot for a patient when they give his disease a name.<ref>Immanuel Kant</ref>

'''Piracy:''' ''n.'' the seaborne plundering of gold, the kidnapping of wenches or the downloading of movies.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Adam Darius Mistry, 2010</ref> 
 
'''Plagiarism:''' ''n.'' 1. a literary coincidence where an honorable work is faced with a discreditable priority.<ref>Adapted from, Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Plagiarism:''' ''n.'' 2. failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Plan:''' ''v.t.'' to bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Plastic surgeon:''' ''n.'' a modern high-priest of vanity who offers redemption via a scalpel blade.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Platitude:''' ''n.'' an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Platonic love:''' ''n.'' a loaded pistol waiting to go off.

'''Platonism:'''  ''n.'' a viral form of philosophical reductionism that breaks apart wholistic concepts into imaginary dualisms,  thereby generating the insidious inequalities that all mankind's miseries are based upon.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Play:''' ''n.'' is work that you enjoy doing for nothing.<ref>Evan Esar</ref>

'''Pleasure:''' ''n.'' that which is merely relief.<ref>Adapted from William S. Burrows</ref>

'''Poetry:''' ''n.'' 1. is that which communicates before it is understood.<ref>Adapted from T. S. Elliot</ref>

'''Poetry:''' ''n.'' 2. is adolescence fermented, and thus preserved.<ref>Jose Ortega Y Gasset</ref> 

'''Police arrest:''' ''n.'' a rather fortunate situation that generously guarantees lifetime exclusion from jury service.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2011</ref>

'''Policy:''' ''n.'' a magic veil that endows corporate bosses and politicians the appearance of acting with consistency, but that can conveniently change its colour like a chameleon when strategic double-talk is required.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 
 
'''Politeness:''' ''n.'' the most acceptable hypocrisy.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Political campaign:''' ''n.'' is the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Political correctness:''' ''n.'' 1. is the ceasing of cognitive abilities relating to rational analysis; often mistaken for religious fundamentalism and/or group think.<ref>K.R., who wishes to remain anonymous</ref>

'''Political correctness:''' ''n.'' 2. a loss of ability to confront reality in all its diversity. Diversity is instead replaced by an unanimity of meaninglessness.<ref>K.R., who wishes to remain anonymous</ref>

'''Political correctness:''' ''n.'' 3. the use of inadvertently comical euphemisms mandated by committees of humorless academicians for the purposes of offending no group except believers in free speech.<ref>Adapted from Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Political speech:''' ''n.'' what you say when you're not saying anything. ''See polite conversation.'' <ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Lloyd Irving, 2010</ref> 

'''Politician:''' ''n.'' 1. a person with the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and has the ability afterward to explain why it didn't happen.<ref>Winston Churchill</ref> 

'''Politician:''' ''n.'' 2. one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

'''Politician:''' ''n.'' 3. a politician is one who thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.<ref> Adapted from James Freeman Clarke</ref>

'''Politician:''' ''n.'' 4. an ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.<ref>Adapted from Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''Politician:''' ''n.'' 5. an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Politician:''' ''n.'' 6. one who delivers on economy of the truth, rather than truth on the economy.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Politics:''' ''n.'' 1. a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Politics:''' ''n.'' 2. a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions.<ref>Albert Einstein, ''The Human Side'' (1954)</ref>

'''Politics:''' ''n.'' 3. is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.<ref>Groucho Marx</ref> 

'''Politics:''' ''n.'' 4. is the entertainment branch of industry.<ref>Frank Zappa</ref>

'''Politics:''' ''n.'' 5. the art of ignoring obvious facts.

'''Pollution:''' ''n.'' the chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.<ref>Leonard Rossiter</ref>

'''Polygamy:''' ''n.'' 1. an act of supreme sacrifice where a man risks his life to more than one mother-in-law.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2009</ref>

'''Polygamy:''' ''n.'' 2. a house of atonement , or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Pornography:''' ''n.'' 1. erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.<ref>Isabel Allende</ref>

'''Pornography:''' ''n.'' 2. the truest form of pornography is the depiction of beauty in war.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2009</ref>

'''Pornography:''' ''n.'' 3. is a satire on human pretensions.<ref>Angela Carter</ref>

'''Pornography:''' ''n.'' 4. a two-dimensional substitute for that which the consumer cannot accomplish in three.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Pornography:''' ''n.'' 5. that which excites, whether from approval or disapproval.<ref>Leonard Rossiter</ref>

'''Positive:''' ''n.'' mistaken at the top of one's voice.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Positive thinking:''' ''n.'' self-improvement through self-deception.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Poodle:''' ''n.'' a dog breed often paraded as a living emblem of its owner's willful lack of taste.

'''Pray:''' '' v.'' to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Prejudice:''' ''n.'' 1. a great way of saving time by quickly forming an opinion without bothering to get the facts.

'''Prejudice:''' ''n.'' 2. you are free from prejudice when you hate everyone equally.<ref>Adapted from W. C. Fields</ref>

'''Presidency:''' ''n.'' a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches as the first prize.<ref>Saul Bellow</ref>

'''President:''' ''n.'' one who assumes the position of running a country, who if he had any talent at running anything would be earning a lot more running a multinational business empire.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Prescription:''' ''n.'' a physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. <ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Present:''' ''n.'' 1. an illusory state between immediate past and immediate future.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2009</ref>

'''Present:''' ''n.'' 2. that which is pregnant with the future.<ref>Voltaire</ref>

'''Press:''' ''n.'' in the US, a freewheeling clan of news scribes who unofficially elect a President every four years, then conspire to drive him from office.

'''Preventive maintenance:''' ''n.'' a superstitious ritual in which an engineer is allowed to break things and display his inability to fix them in the forlorn hope that this will appease some unknown gods.<ref>Isham Research</ref>

'''Prig:''' ''n.'' a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.<ref>George Eliot</ref>

'''Prison:''' ''n.'' a governmental cost cutting measure, carried out by ostensibly rehabilitating serial killers and petty offenders all under the same roof.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Problem:''' ''n.'' that which cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created it.<ref>Adapted from Albert Einstein</ref>

'''Procrastination:''' ''n.'' 1. is the art of keeping up with yesterday.<ref>George Carlin</ref>

'''Procrastination:''' ''n.'' 2. the immediate minimization of excessive hastiness.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Professional:''' ''n.''   1. in personal ads, the most desirable sort of potential mate. 2. In the streets, a prostitute. 3. In the business world, see definition #2.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Programming:''' ''n.'' (''computing term'') the art of adding bugs to an empty text file.<ref>Louis Srygley</ref> 

'''Prohibitionist:''' ''n.'' is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Proof:''' ''n.'' evidence having a shade more plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Propaganda:''' ''n.'' 1. patriotism as practiced by our enemies.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Propaganda:''' ''n.'' 2. is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.<ref>Noam Chomsky</ref>

'''Prophecy:''' ''n.'' the art of selling one's credibility for future delivery.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Proposal:''' ''n.'' a proposition that lost its nerve.

'''Prostitution:''' ''n.'' 1. a business transaction where one's body is hired out at a much greater price than for what people commonly sell their souls for in a lifetime.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Prostitution:''' ''n.'' 2. the only business in the world where the amateurs are better than the professionals.

'''Proverb:''' ''n.'' for a witticism of unknown attribution, the label 'proverb' is what replaces the label 'anon' after a sufficient number of centuries have elapsed.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Prude:''' ''n.'' a bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Pub:'''  ''n.'' husband crèche.<ref>From a sign outside the King’s Head pub, London, UK</ref>

'''Public opinion:''' ''n.'' what people think people think.

'''Public relations:''' ''n.'' propaganda for hire.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Punctuality:''' ''n.'' being on time; with the disadvantage that there is nobody there to appreciate it.<ref>Adapted from Lettice Philpots</ref>

'''Puritanism:''' ''n.'' is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.  <ref>H. L. Mencken, ''A Book of Burlesques'' (1916)</ref>