Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==S==
'''Safety belt:''' ''n.'' 1. a means for denying transplant patients the body parts they so desperately require.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Safety belt:''' ''n.'' 2. on an aircraft, a device that extends your life by precisely two extra seconds as you plummet to the ground precariously strapped to an incinerated piece of fuselage.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Safety belt:''' ''n.'' 3. on an aircraft, a means for helping the rescue team to identify your body.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Withawat Withayachumnankul, 2010</ref>

'''Saint:''' ''n.'' a dead sinner revised and edited.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Satanist:''' ''n.'' one who defeats himself by displaying all the noble qualities of loyalty, love, truth, and charity towards fellow satanic brothers.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Satire:''' ''n.'' an obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Scandal:''' ''n.'' that which ruins an unpopular official and causes a popular one to enjoy an even higher approval rating.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Schizophrenia:''' ''n.''  a healthy response to a sick society.<ref>From the TV show: ''The Bill'', and they probably ripped off the idea from Krishnamurti's "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."</ref>

'''Science:''' ''n.'' 1. is the belief in the ignorance of experts.<ref>Richard Feynman</ref>

'''Science:''' ''n.'' 2. is organized common sense where many a beautiful theory was killed by an ugly fact. <ref>Thomas Huxley</ref>

'''Science:''' ''n.'' 3. is the road to pertinent answers, found by asking impertinent questions. <ref>Adapted from Jacob Bronowski</ref>

'''Science:''' ''n.'' 4. is that in which authority of thousands of opinions is not worth as much as one tiny spark of reason in an individual man.<ref>Galileo Galilei, 1612</ref>

'''Science:''' ''n.'' 5. is that which does not try to explain, hardly even tries to interpret, but mainly makes models.<ref>Adapted from John von Neumann</ref>

'''Science fiction:''' ''n.'' is the improbable made possible, as opposed to fantasy that is the impossible made probable. <ref>Adapted from Rod Serling</ref>

'''Secret:''' ''n.'' something you tell to only one person at a time.

'''Seethe:''' ''v.'' to quietly reflect that many are better than you at everything.

'''Self:''' ''n.'' is that which is harder to cheat than the rest of the world.<ref>George Bernard Shaw</ref>

'''Self-esteem:''' ''n.'' the dangling carrot that drives the self-help industry.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Selfish:''' ''adj.'' 1. devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Selfish:''' ''adj.'' 2. a selfish person is one so self-absorbed, providing the consolation that he isn't even aware of the all bad press about you. The guarantee of a loyal friendship. <ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Selfishness:''' ''n.'' is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.<ref>Oscar Wilde, ''The Soul of Man Under Socialism'' (1895)</ref>

'''Self-respect:''' ''n.'' is the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.<ref>H. L. Mencken, ''A Mencken Chrestomathy'' (1949)</ref>

'''Semicolon:''' ''n.'' a transvestite hermaphrodite representing absolutely nothing. All it does is show you've been to college.<ref>Kurt Vonnegut</ref>

'''Seriousness:''' ''n.'' is the only refuge of the shallow.<ref>Oscar Wilde</ref>

'''Sex:''' ''n.'' 1. is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.<ref>Tom Clancy</ref>

'''Sex:''' ''n.'' 2. a form of Russian roulette that can result in producing a saint or a dictator.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Sex:''' ''n.'' 3. the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.<ref>John Barrymore</ref>

'''Sex:''' ''n.'' 4. that which alleviates tension; as opposed to love that causes it.<ref>Adapted from Woody Allen</ref>

'''Shin:''' ''n.'' a device for finding furniture in the dark.<ref>Steven Wright</ref>

'''Show business:''' ''n.'' sincere insincerity.<ref>Benny Hill</ref>

'''Silence:'''  ''n.'' 1. is the perfect expression of scorn.<ref>George Bernard Shaw, ''Back to Methuselah'' (1921)</ref>

'''Silence:'''  ''n.'' 2. the period before a child is born and after it goes to college.

'''Silence:''' ''n.'' 3. is the voice of complicity.

'''Simplicity:''' ''n.'' is the ultimate sophistication.<ref>Leonardo da Vinci</ref>

'''Sin:''' ''n.'' self-expression.<ref>Adapted from Max Stirner</ref>

'''Skeleton:''' ''n.'' a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

'''Skeptic:''' ''n.'' a true believer in another set of beliefs.<ref>Phillip E. Johnson</ref>

'''Skiing:''' ''n.'' a sport that consists of wearing $3000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.<ref>P. J. O'Rourke</ref>

'''Slang:''' ''n.'' language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands, and gets down to work.<ref>Leonard Rossiter</ref>

'''Sloth:''' ''n.'' a condition condemned by those without the imagination to create free time.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Lloyd Irving, 2010</ref>

'''Socialism:''' ''n.'' is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.<ref>Winston Churchill</ref>

'''Society:''' ''n.'' 1. that which honours its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.<ref>Mignon McLaughlin</ref>

'''Society:''' ''n.''  2.  is that in which illusions are sacred and truth profane.<ref>Adapted from Tariq Ali</ref>

'''Song:''' ''n.'' 1. the licensed medium for bawling in public things too silly or sacred to be uttered in ordinary speech. <ref>Oliver Herford</ref>

'''Song:''' ''n.'' 2. anything that is too stupid to be spoken.<ref>Voltaire</ref>

'''Software bug:''' ''n.'' a random feature embedded in a perfectly good piece of software.

'''Sorcery:''' ''n.'' the ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable  and sometimes was punished by torture and death.

'''Specialist:''' ''n.'' a man who knows more and more about less and less, according to a generalist. As opposed to a generalist who knows less and less about more and more, according to the specialist. <ref>Adapted from William J. Mayo</ref>

'''Speed dating:''' ''n.'' an opportunity to get over all your disappointments at one.

'''Sperm:''' ''n.'' a champion swimmer that disappointingly loses all its ability after it turns into a human.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Sperm donor:''' ''n.'' an apathetic rapist who nevertheless achieves his goal of gratuitously filling the genetic pool as widely as possible with his genes.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Sports car:''' ''n.'' penis prosthetic.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Standard:''' ''adj.'' manufactured by the biggest supplier.<ref>Isham Research</ref>

'''Stalker:''' ''n.'' an admirer whose attentions are unwanted.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Stalling:''' ''n.'' creative inertia.<ref>From the TV show, ''Yes Minister''</ref>

'''Star:''' ''n.'' a performer who makes more than his or her agent.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>  

'''Statesman:''' ''n.'' a politician who has been dead ten or fifteen years.<ref>Harry S. Truman</ref>

'''Statistician:''' ''n.'' 1. a man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either.<ref>Evan Esar</ref>

'''Statistician:''' ''n.'' 2. is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

'''Statistics:''' ''n.'' is the science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.<ref>Evan Esar</ref>

'''Stockbroker:''' ''n.'' one who invests your money until it has all gone.<ref>Woody Allen</ref>

'''Straight line:''' ''n.'' 1. (''mathematics term'') the shortest distance between two points, for those who are too lazy to search for a space-time wormhole through the universe.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Straight line:''' ''n.'' 2. (''scientific term'') that which can be drawn through any set of data points on a log-log plot for a sufficiently small interval.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Strategists:''' ''n.'' a group of people who are getting their act together.

'''Strategy:''' ''n.'' tactics is knowing what to do when there is something to do, whereas strategy is knowing what to do when there is nothing to do.<ref>Savielly Tartakower</ref>

'''Strike:''' ''n.'' industrial inaction.

'''Subtlety:''' ''n.'' the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

'''Success:''' ''n.'' 1. is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Success:''' ''n.'' 2. is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.<ref>Winston Churchill</ref>

'''Success:''' ''n.'' 3. is when a man makes more money than his wife can spend.<ref>Adapted from Lana Turner</ref>

'''Success:''' ''n.'' 4. the most effective form of revenge for one's enemies.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Suicide:''' ''n.'' is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 

'''Sun:''' ''n.'' nature’s nuclear fusion reactor that is at an arguably safe distance from Earth; it generously affords us 5000 times our current world energy needs and will run reliably over the next billion years with zero downtime.<ref> Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Sunday school:''' ''n.'' is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Superego:''' ''n.'' an advanced state of self-hood reached only by car park attendants and doctors' receptionists.

'''Superglue:''' ''n.'' an adhesive of unparalleled strength. Excellent for gluing fingers together and utterly useless for all else.<ref> Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Superstition:''' ''n.'' 1. is a premature explanation that overstays its time. <ref>George Iles</ref>

'''Superstition:''' ''n.'' 2. is a belief which leaves no place for doubt. <ref>José Bergamín</ref>

'''Sustainable growth:''' ''n.'' a cheeky little oxymoron suggesting the idea of economic growth that is sustainable over vast ecological time scales; where in practice this is often the time period required to just make it through to the next election. <ref>Derek Abbott, ''The Wickedictionary,'' (2009).</ref>

'''Sweater''' ''n.'' a garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.

'''Sympathy:''' ''n.'' is what one woman offers another in exchange for the juicy details.

'''System administrator:''' ''n.'' (''computing term'') a person whose job it is to do everything that isn't his job. <ref>Alan Silverstein</ref>

'''System update:''' ''n.'' (''computing term'') a quick method of trashing all of your software.