Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==W==
'''War:''' ''n.'' 1. is where truth is the first casualty.<ref>Adapted from Aeschylus</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 2. is young men dying and old men talking.<ref>From the film ''Troy'' (2004).</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 3. is an effort to make the laws of God and nature take sides with one party.<ref>Henry David Thoreau</ref> 

'''War:''' ''n.'' 4. a massacre of people who don't know each other for the profit of people who know each other but don't massacre each other.<ref>Paul Valery</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 5. a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.<ref>Thomas Mann</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 6. a device for maintaining peace between nations, which is at least as sustainable as beating one's wife into maintaining a cordial bedroom relationship.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''War:''' ''n.'' 7. the forced acquisition of what one wants from what another has. ''See rape''. <ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Adam Darius Mistry, 2010</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 8. is where the object is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.<ref>George Patton</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 9. is that which brings peace, but only to its victims.<ref>Adapted from Leonid S. Sukhorukov in ''All About Everything'' (2005)</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 10. is where fathers bury their sons; as opposed to peace where sons bury their fathers.<ref>Adapted from Heroditus</ref> 

'''War:''' ''n.'' 11. is waged by the rich and it is the poor who die.<ref>Adapted from Jean-Paul Sartre</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 12. a device whereby chaos amplifies religious and ideological differences, numbing the senses, thereby allowing corporate greed to painlessly thrust through the back door and even seem like pleasure.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 13. a form of slave labour, where men work themselves to death for the lords of the military-industrial complex in the faint hope they may someday buy their freedom.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 14. is menstruation envy.

'''War:''' ''n.'' 15. an opportunity for governments to use up their weapons arsenal before they become obsolete, so they can justify purchasing the latest upgrades for more of the same.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 16. a brilliant government scheme for addressing declining unemployment figures and avoiding issues of decaying internal infrastructure.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 17. a time-honoured means for an unpopular government to gain public unity through fear by manufacturing a common enemy.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 18. the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal animosity; strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it.<ref>Mart Twain</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 19. is merely the continuation of policy by other means.<ref>Carl von Clausewitz</ref>

'''War:''' ''n.'' 20. a great asshole magnet.<ref>P. J. O'Rourke</ref>

'''War hero:''' ''n.'' one who sacrificed his life to failed politicians.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref> 

'''Wealth:''' ''n.'' any income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.<ref>H. L. Mencken, ''A Mencken Chrestomathy'' (1949)</ref>

'''Wealthy:''' ''n.'' the wealthy are little more than janitors of their possessions.<ref>Frank Lloyd Wright</ref>

'''Wedding:''' ''n.'' similar to a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.<ref>Adapted from Grace Hansen</ref> 

'''Wedding dress:''' ''n.'' a dress coutured with frills and ornamentation sufficient enough to conceal the pregnancy.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>   

'''Wedding ring:''' ''n.'' 1. a subtle signal to single admirers that they should abandon all hope, since the wearer already has.

'''Wedding ring:''' ''n.'' 2. the world's smallest handcuffs.

'''Welfare:''' ''n.'' a public safety net strung up to catch the casualties of the free market system and keep them tangled in the webbing for generations.

'''Welsh:''' ''n.'' a language when spoken sounds like a beautiful song, but when written looks like the alphabet just vomited.<ref>Adapted from The Onion</ref>

'''Whisky:''' ''n.'' the amber of the gods administered in 700ml installments.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Lloyd Irving, 2010</ref>

'''Wickedictionary:''' ''n.'' the product of an unholy alliance between Ambrose Bierce and Derek Abbott resulting in an obscene collection of twisted definitions that perversely expose the truth.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Wickedness:''' ''n.'' is to create a public scandal, as opposed to sinning in private which is no sin at all.<ref>Adapted from Molière in ''Tartuffe'' (1664)</ref>

'''Wife:''' ''n.'' 1. a woman who has ceased to be your girlfriend and resents anyone attempting to fill the vacancy.<ref>Dick Chinnery quoted in ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Wife:''' ''n.'' 2. a good wife is one who always forgives her husband when she's wrong.<ref>Rodney Dangerfield</ref>

'''Wikipedia:''' ''n.'' the world's most accurate encyclopedia [citation needed].<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Julian O'Shea, 2009</ref>

'''Windows 95:''' ''n.'' a 32-bit patch to a 16-bit GUI for an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.<ref>Isham Research</ref>

'''Wine:''' ''n.'' 1. is light held together by moisture.<ref>Galileo Galilei</ref> 

'''Wine:''' ''n.'' 2. an alcoholic beverage with a rather extreme range in quality. Good wine ruins the pocket; bad wine ruins the stomach.  ''See woman''.

'''Wisdom:''' ''n.'' 1. is the abstract of the past, but beauty is the promise of the future.<ref>Oliver Wendell Holmes</ref>

'''Wisdom:''' ''n.'' 2. the ability to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

'''Wisdom:''' ''n.'' 3. is to know nothing except the fact of one's ignorance.<ref>Adapted from Socrates</ref>

'''Wit:''' ''n.'' is educated insolence.<ref>Aristotle</ref>

'''Woman:''' ''n.'' is a disease. An ugly woman is a disease of the stomach, a handsome woman a disease of the head.<ref>Traditional English proverb</ref>

'''Women:''' ''n. pl.'' 1. those which have hydrofluoric acid bottled up inside. <ref>Kurt Vonnegut</ref>

'''Women:''' ''n. pl.'' 2. are those that make highs higher and the lows more frequent.<ref>Friedrich Nietzsche</ref>

'''Women:''' ''n. pl.'' 3. are those that don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think—in a deeper voice.<ref>Bill Cosby</ref>

'''Women:''' ''n. pl.'' 4. are those who Nature has given so much power that the law has wisely given them little.<ref>Samuel Johnson</ref>

'''Women:''' ''n. pl.'' 5. the product of two X-chromosomes, as opposed to men who have only one X-chromosome. Thus half of a man is woman and yet this appears insufficient for mutual understanding.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Women:''' ''n. pl.'' 6. are those that inspire us to great things, and prevent us from achieving them.

'''Words:''' ''n. pl.'' are a device to hide our thoughts.<ref>Adapted from Voltaire</ref> 

'''Work:''' ''n.'' is the curse of the drinking classes.<ref>Oscar Wilde</ref>

'''World domination:''' ''n.'' the noblest form of megalomania, as it graciously accepts all the problems that come with it.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Wrath:''' ''n.'' anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the Wrath of God," "the day of wrath" etc.<ref>Ambrose Bierce</ref>

'''Wrinkles:''' ''n.'' character lines on other people.

'''Wristwatch:''' ''n.'' a fashion accessory with a clock in the middle, its status value being roughly proportional to the illegibility of the dial.