Editing The Wickedictionary (section)

==H==
'''Hardware:''' ''n.'' the equipment used to reveal software faults.<ref>John Norris</ref>

'''Hard work:''' ''n.'' is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.<ref>Oscar Wilde</ref>

'''Happiness:''' ''n.'' 1. an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.<ref>Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Happiness:''' ''n.'' 2. a form of self-denial about the future, due to an exaggerated sense of satisfaction about the present.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Haute cuisine:''' ''n.'' the fine art of serving cold soup on purpose.

'''Headache:''' ''n.'' that which is instantly cured by sex and yet prohibits any treatment.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Health:''' ''n.'' 1. a delicate equilibrium that may be upset by smoking too many cigarettes or reading too many alarming medical studies.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Health:''' ''n.'' 2. is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

'''Health food:''' ''n.'' a family of bland, marginally edible grains, beans, sprouts and other vegetative matter that presumably fortifies the body as effectively as it wilts the spirit.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Heaven:''' ''n.'' heaven is where the police are British, the lovers are Italian, the mechanics are German, the chefs are French, and it's all organized by the Swiss. As opposed to hell, where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.

'''Heir:''' ''n.'' the idle offspring of a workaholic.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Hell:''' ''n.'' 1. a perpetual holiday.<ref>George Bernard Shaw, ''Misalliance'' (1910)</ref>

'''Hell:''' ''n.'' 2. Italian punctuality, German humour, and English wine. <ref>Peter Ustinov</ref>

'''Hell:''' ''n.'' 3. eternal torment reserved for the afterlife or available now on an installment plan, known as marriage.<ref>Contributed specially for ''The Wickedictionary'' by Anon, 2010</ref>

'''Hermit:''' ''n.'' one with no peer pressure.<ref>Steve Wright</ref>

'''Hero:'''  ''n.'' someone who is talented at getting other people killed.<ref>Joss Whedon, ''Serenity''.</ref>

'''Herpes:''' ''n.'' the affliction of a latter-day leper, rendering the victim untouchable except by fellow sufferers, who must then spend their lives searching for each other like fireflies in the twilight.<ref>Adapted from Rick Bayan</ref>

'''High street:''' ''n.'' a generally imposing thoroughfare running through a district of empty shop fronts.

'''Hip:''' ''adj.''  smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Historian:''' ''n.'' 1. an unsuccessful novelist.<ref>H. L. Mencken</ref>

'''Historian:''' ''n.'' 2. one whose future lies in the past.

'''History:''' ''n.'' 1. a fable agreed upon.<ref>Napoleon</ref>

'''History:''' ''n.'' 2. an account of events written down by the winners.<ref>Adapted from George Orwell</ref>

'''History:''' ''n.'' 3. is a gallery of pictures in which there are few originals and many copies.<ref>Alexis de Tocqueville,
''Old Regime'', p. 88, 1856</ref>

'''History:''' ''n.'' 4. prophecy backwards.

'''Homophobe:''' ''n.'' someone who projects his own self-hate onto those that are not in self-denial.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Hope:''' ''n.'' is nature's veil for hiding truth's nakedness.<ref>Alfred Nobel</ref>

'''Horoscope:''' ''n.'' a prediction that is always true due to sufficient generality.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Hors d’oeuvres''' ''n.'' a sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

'''Hotel:''' ''n.'' a refuge from home life.<ref>Adapted from George Bernard Shaw, ''You Never Can Tell'', Act II</ref>

'''House of Lords:''' ''n.''  in the UK, a body of elderly persons charged with high duties and misdemeanours.<ref>Leonard Rossiter</ref>

'''Human:''' ''n.'' 1. a minor bipedal life form extant on a squalid little planet named Earth, in a backwater little-known galaxy; they are also known as 'Earthlings'. Humans are characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement, display a collective form of narcissistic personality disorder, and are generally regarded as the rednecks of the universe. Their problems appear to stem from a disingenuous form of business transaction they call 'land ownership.' They are at a primitive stage of development, thankfully can only sense 3-dimensions, and so are unaware of the rest of us. They are generally thought to be of no threat to the Federation of Planets, as by the time they figure out how to communicate with higher dimensions they will have annihilated themselves anyway. The Federation has blacklisted them as pariahs of the universe and so all funding for academic study of these obnoxious creatures has been suspended for 10 million years or until when their petty factious behaviour ceases, whichever comes soonest.<ref>Derek Abbott</ref>

'''Human:''' ''n.'' 2. one who is almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, but also remarkable for the apparent disinclination to do so.<ref>Adapted from Douglas Adams</ref>

'''Human:''' ''n.'' 3. one who is smart enough to have ideas but foolish enough to believe them.<ref>Russ Abbott</ref>

'''Human:''' ''n.'' 4.  one who does irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs.<ref>Adapted from Scott Adams</ref>

'''Human:''' ''n.'' 5. an ingenious assemblage of portable plumbing.<ref>Christopher Morley</ref>

'''Humans:''' ''n.  pl.'' creatures that all look the same and taste like chicken. They even behave like chickens if you put them together in a cage.<ref>Derek Abbott, 2010</ref>

'''Human resources:''' ''n.'' corporate nomenclature intended to confer greater dignity on personnel managers while reducing everyone else in the company to the status of bauxite or wood-pulp.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Humility:''' ''n.'' a quality that disappears the moment you think you have it.

'''Humour:''' ''n.'' 1. an almost physiological response to fear.<ref>Kurt Vonnegut</ref>

'''Humour:''' ''n.'' 2. a way of holding off how awful life can be.<ref>Kurt Vonnegut</ref>

'''Hunger:''' ''n.'' the best sauce.<ref>Proverb</ref>

'''Hunk:''' ''n.'' a man freely viewed as a sex object by women who refuse to be viewed as such themselves, and generally aren't anyway.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref> 

'''Husband:''' ''n.'' a person who empties the waste paper bin and believes that he has cleaned the whole house.<ref>Anon quoted in the ''Chambers Gigglossary''</ref>

'''Hyperactive children:''' ''n.'' a cheap and relatively clean energy source that might be put to good use after we deplete the planet's supply of fossil fuels.<ref>Rick Bayan</ref>

'''Hypocrisy:''' ''n.'' is the vaseline of social intercourse.<ref>James R. Newman</ref>

'''Hypocrite:''' ''n.'' one who nobly disapproves of the despised virtues that he is afflicted with.<ref>Adapted from, Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)</ref>

'''Hypocondria:''' ''n.'' the only illness a hypochondriac thinks he or she doesn't have.