Difference between revisions of "The Wickedictionary"

Revision as of 19:00, 20 June 2009

The name wickedictionary is intended to be a play on the word wiktionary. The idea is to collect definitions of words like in a dictionary, except the definitions must be perverse in the style of Ambrose Bierce's the Devil's Dictionary. The idea is to modernize Ambrose Bierce and come up with a more contemporary and cutting-edge collection of definitions. Anyone is welcome to edit this page. If anyone can help me fill in missing sources that would be great. If you do not have access, you are welcome to email me definitions. The idea is we don't have to necessarily agree with these definitions, but to merely enjoy them for making us think.

A

Absurdity: n. a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.^[1]

Academia: n. a chronic disease characterized by a compulsion to write lengthy specialized treatises in unintelligible vocabularies, for the purpose of rising in the esteem of those similarly afflicted.

Accountant: n. a dutiful book-balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect if from creative ideas.

Actor: n. a professional exhibitionist who manufactures emotions in a manner convincing enough to earn a living.

Assonance: n. a rhyme that has gone wrong. ^[2]

B

Backlash: n. the equal and opposite reaction to actions on behalf of women, minorities, political correctness, jogging, spotted owls, oat bran and other timely causes, sometimes legitimate, that have been marketed to the public with fatally obnoxious zeal.

Bank: n. a place where money automatically increases in value, especially when we need to borrow some.

Banker: n. one who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.^[3]

Bore: n. a person who talks when you wish him to listen.^[4]

Broadsheet newspaper: n. a device for helping fools to feel superior.^[5]

C

Canonization: n. a posthumous elevation to sainthood; a state of grace attained by religious leaders through miracles, by politicians via assassination, and by rock stars as a result of a timely drug overdose.

Capital punishment: n. the controversial right of the state to end a life by gassing, shooting, hanging, needling or quick-frying; believed effective as a deterrent to future crimes by the same individual.

Celebrity: n. someone who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.^[6]

Congratulation: n. the civility of envy.^[7]

Conscience: n. the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.^[8]

Corporation: n. an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.^[9]

Creativity: n. is knowing how to hide your sources.^[10]

Cynic: n. 1. a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.^[11]

Cynic: n. 2. is what an idealist calls a realist. ^[12]

D

Dating: t.v. an elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as the sniffing ritual in dogs, but without its forthright honesty.

Defence: n. an illusion of security for the public, not the enemy. ^[13]

Democracy: n. 1. the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.^[14]

Democracy: n. 2. is also a form of worship. It is the worship of jackals by jackasses.^[15]

Democracy: n. 3. is the pathetic belief in the wisdom of collective ignorance.^[16]

Denial: n. that which keeps an optimist from becoming a pessimist.

E

Editor: n. in the publishing industry, a diligent intellectual drudge condemned to a lifetime of embarrassingly meagre pay, so that multi-thousand-dollar contracts might be awarded to semi-literate celebrities for their ghost-written memoirs.

Education: n. is the thing that interferes with learning.^[17]

Expert: n. a person sufficiently jaded with all the facts that he declares when something cannot be done.

F

Fact: n. a folly committed by enough of the right people to confer on it the badge of status.

Factionalism: n. the abiding human need to create group conflicts based on religion, politics, race, gender, class or whether toilet paper should be pulled over or under the roll.

Faith: n. an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.^[18]

Federal budget: n. in the U.S., a miraculous machine that continually cranks out more money than it takes in; unfortunately not yet licensed for use in the home.

Freedom: n. 1. in the U.S., the sacred right to speak and act according to one's conscience, except when dealing with sensitive special-interest groups or militant Republican administrations.

Freedom: n. 2. what the U.S. frequently exports to developing nations, by force if necessary. Federal Budget In the U.S., a miraculous machine that continually cranks out more money than it takes in; unfortunately not yet licensed for use in the home.

G

Genealogy: n. an account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. ^[19]

Gentleman: n. formerly the male exemplar of honour, nobility and other behavioural relics from the Age of Chivalry; now dismissed as someone with a testosterone deficiency.

H

Happiness: n. an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.^[20]

Health: n. a delicate equilibrium that may be upset by smoking too many cigarettes or reading too many alarming medical studies.

Health food: n. a family of bland, marginally edible grains, beans, sprouts and other vegetative matter that presumably fortifies the body as effectively as it wilts the spirit.

Hero: n. someone who is talented at getting other people killed.^[21]

Herpes: n. the affliction of a latter-day leper, rendering the victim untouchable except by fellow sufferers, who must then spend their lives searching for each other like fireflies in the twilight.

High Street: n. a generally imposing thoroughfare running through a district of empty shop fronts.

Hip: adj. smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.

History: n. a fable agreed upon. ^[22]

I

Imitation: n. is the sincerest form of flattery. ^[23]

J

Jury: n. 1. a group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.^[24]

Jury: n. 2. a panel of amateurs called upon to decide life-or-death matters in court.

K

Kill: v.t. to create a vacancy without nominating a successor.^[25]

Kleptomaniac: n. one who steals for pleasure rather than material gain; a thief with breeding.

L

Lawyer: n. is one who protects us against robbers by taking away the temptation.^[26]

Lie: n. an epistemological problem.^[27]

Life: n. is a sexually transmitted disease and invariably fatal. ^[28]

Logic: n. the art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.^[29]

Love: 1. n. is the delusion that one woman differs from another.^[30]

Love: 2. n. is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.^[31]

Love: 3. n. is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.^[32]

M

Management consultancy: n. a highly effective and legally permissible confidence trick.^[33]

Misogynist: n. a man who hates women as much as women hate one another.^[34]

Mythology: n. the early primitive beliefs of a society, as opposed to the real account that it invents later.^[35]

N

Newspaper: a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.^[36]

Notoriety: the fame of one's competitor.^[37]

O

Oratory: n. a conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding.^[38]

Originality: n. the art of concealing one's sources.

P

Patience: n. a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.^[39]

Patriotism: n. is the virtue of the vicious.^[40]

Philosophy: n. a route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.^[41]

Plagiarism: n. a literary coincidence where an honorable work is faced with a discreditable priority.^[42]

Politeness: n. the most acceptable hypocrisy.^[43]

Politics: n. 1. a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.^[44]

Politics: n. 2. a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions.^[45]

Pray: v. to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.^[46]

Prescription: n. a physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. ^[47]

Prophecy: n. the art of selling one's credibility for future delivery.^[48]

Puritanism: n. is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. ^[49]

Q

Quorum: n. a sufficient number of members of a group to have their own way. ^[50]

R

Reality: n. 1. is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. ^[51]

Reality: n. 2. is an illusion caused by the lack of drugs.

Reconsider: v. to seek justification for a decision already made. ^[52]

Remorse: n. regret that one waited so long to do it.^[53]

Resolute: adj. obstinate in an approved manner.^[54]

S

Schizophrenia: n. a healthy response to a sick society.

Selfish: adj. devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.^[55]

Self-respect: n. is the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.^[56]

Success: n. the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.^[57]

T

Tabloid: n. a compact journal filled with tall tales of celebrity infidelities, woes, gaffes, feuds and diseases, so as to minimize mass resentment of their undeserved fame and wealth.

Time: n. is what stops everything from happening all at once.

U

Ugliness: n. a gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. ^[58]

Utimatum: n. in diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. ^[59]

V

Veneer: n. a thin, finely finished exterior that effectively conceals the underlying substance; e.g., a mortician's smile or the civility that prevails at a Hollywood party.

Video Camera: n. an audiovisual recording device thrust into the hands of the public so that future social historians might develop migraines looking at our school plays, pet tricks, weddings and christenings.

Video Game: n. an electronic form of opium, consumed by stony-eyed young addicts either at home or in dark communal dens, where their families occasionally must venture to retrieve them.

W

War: n. is where truth is the first casualty. ^[60]

War: n. is young men dying and old men talking. ^[61]

Wealth: n. any income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.^[62]

X

X-ray: n. a diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.

Y

Youth: n. a pristine condition worshiped by menopausal women in sweatsuits and shrinking men with chestnut-brown toupees, while those who actually possess it are frequently too shallow or despondent to appreciate it.

Z

Zeal: n. a certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goes before a sprawl.^[63]

Zoo: n. a pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

References

1. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
2. ↑ Adapted from Willy Russell's play Educating Rita
3. ↑ Mark Twain, attributed.
4. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
5. ↑ Joshua Arnold-Foster
6. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
7. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
8. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
9. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
10. ↑ Albert Einstein
11. ↑ H. L. Mencken, attributed.
12. ↑ From the TV show, Yes Minister.
13. ↑ Adapted from Yes Minister.
14. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
15. ↑ H. L. Mencken, attributed.
16. ↑ H. L. Mencken, attributed.
17. ↑ Albert Einstein
18. ↑ H. L. Mencken, Prejudices (1922)
19. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
20. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
21. ↑ From the film Serenity.
22. ↑ Napoleon.
23. ↑ Charles Caleb Colton
24. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
25. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
26. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
27. ↑ From the TV show, Yes Minister.
28. ↑ Adapted from, Neil Gaiman, Death Talks About Life.
29. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
30. ↑ H. L. Mencken, attributed.
31. ↑ H. L. Mencken, attributed.
32. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
33. ↑ Joshua Arnold-Foster
34. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
35. ↑ Adapted from, Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
36. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
37. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
38. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
39. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
40. ↑ Oscar Wilde.
41. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
42. ↑ Adapted from, Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
43. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
44. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
45. ↑ Albert Einstein, The Human Side (1954)
46. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
47. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
48. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
49. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Book of Burlesques (1916)
50. ↑ Adapted from Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
51. ↑ Philip K. Dick, How To Build A Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later (1978)
52. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
53. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
54. ↑ Adapted from Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
55. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
56. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
57. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
58. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
59. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
60. ↑ Adapted from Aeschylus
61. ↑ From the film Troy (2004).
62. ↑ H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
63. ↑ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

Back

• Back to MyUni
• Back to Derek Abbott's homepage
• Back to EEE Department page
• Back to the University of Adelaide homepage